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La safi.
W.H.Y.
Thursday, December 29, 2011

Why me..?
Why do I have to feel like this, why does anyone have to feel like this..
One moment I’m great, than the next I’m on the ground crying my eyes out.
Maybe it’s because my life is a lie, and i keep telling myself everything will get better and in reality it only gets worse.. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m tearing my family apart, I finally realized that when my parents both broke down crying, and left and didn’t come back for hours. I try to blame all this shit on my disorders, but I can’t keep hidden the fact that I’m nothing, I mean nothing. Everything in my life has came and gone, I don’t understand why I can’t have friends that understand me and know what I’m going through.. Instead I have to suck everything up and pretend everything is okay because thats the way we are raised and I’m tired of all this bullshit.  I guess I have nothing really to complain about I mean I have a house, food, and people who love me.. But I can’t help the way I feel, I’m depressed and no one can help that.
I’ve been to 5 therapists, and now I’m terrified of them, I had the worst experience with one, it ended up with me running out of the building crying my eyes out, cuts all over my hand and than he dragged me back in the car and my parents wanted me to see him again.
I can’t even be alone with my own thoughts without having hallucinations of “monsters” trying to kill me, or me killing myself.
& the only way I can escape from all this is drugs & alcohol & cutting.
I don’t see why we get depressed, why can’t everything be perfect, why.

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